Thursday, July 2, 2015

Bench Mark

With every journey we need to know where we started - a bench mark.  This post may seem liking I am whining (ok, maybe I am) but this is where I am today and it's not pretty.  Let's face it, if it was I wouldn't be here.

Before I go to my dark place I want you to know I don't hate my life.  God has blessed me beyond all I could imagine.  I have a wonderful, loving, faithful husband of 25 years.  I have two beautiful daughters who have grown into beautiful successful women with dedicated husbands.  I have even been blessed with the next chapter of my life, I am a grandmother of a wonderfully active grandson with another on the way.  My husband and I are employed at good jobs, we have a nice house dependable transportation.  I really have nothing to complain about.

But then there's that one dark place, that place you try to ignore.  It's the kind of place that grabs our attention when we least expect it.  It's the kind of place that if dwelled upon for too long will make it appear everything around you is crumbling down.  It's that kind of place.  I call that place "me".

Again, this is not a pity party but a bench mark to measure my journey.  A journey where I will celebrate the successes and journey to learn how to deal with and accept the failures.  I don't love myself.  They say you can't love someone else until you learn to love yourself, as of today, I can't agree with that statement.  Maybe it's because I haven't loved myself for so long I can't tell.  I want to learn to love myself.

  • I have very few clothes because I keep growing out of them.
  • I can't walk very far without my lower back or joints hurting.
  • I am tired all of the time. 
  • I think about food all of the time.
  • I eat when I am not hungry.
  • I have a very low self-esteem.
  • I am 90 pounds over weight.
  • I am no longer the confident person I once was.
  • I have become lazy around the house.

That is not a complete list but I am not ready to expose all ... not yet.  This is a journey for the body, mind and soul.  We all have a dark place but we shouldn't let it let it take over and define who we are.  Life is short and God meant for us to enjoy it.  

That's my goal, to find joy and to truly enjoy the life I have been blessed with.

1 comment:

  1. A brave and hopeful post.

    You wouldn't have written this if you didn't believe that a positive life changes were possible. I believe it, too. :)