Wednesday, July 8, 2015

The Dark and Twisty Place

Why do we let the actions and words of others strip us of who we are?  To allow them to put us in that dark twisty place.  To tear down our confidence and self-esteem.  What does that say for a person?  Are we weak and insecure?  We let even the little actions and words bring us down - why is that?

I thought maybe I had conquered my emotional eating but I found out today that couldn't  be further from the truth.  I know you are supposed to turn to something else instead of eating but that is easier said then done.   Food is my friend, it comforts me; but even food has turned against me and let me down in the form of extra pounds.  I am in a room full of people but yet feel so alone.

As I ponder for a solution, when my emotions are about ready to overflow, God answers that small prayer.  The answer is as close as my phone, this is the daily scripture I woke up to today:

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:33-34

No more needs to be said.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Goals to live with

I was on vacation last week; so during that time I let myself eat without guilt (if that is possible).  I told myself as of Sunday (the beginning of the week) I would start to take baby steps to actually achieving my goal - healthier body, soul, and mind.

I am going to give myself weekly goals that I can build on so it doesn't seem like I am making a drastic change.  I need to be able to live with the changes I make....they cannot be temporary changes.

For this week:
My nutrition goal: Drink at least 8 - 10 cups of water a day - log what I eat.

My physical goal: Go to the gym three times this week and work out for 30 minutes.

My spiritual goal:  To spend at least 20 minutes journaling and spending time in the Word.

So, with that's to a new week.

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Thank You....

I got back into blogging because I am trying to analyze why I have let myself go, why I stopped caring.  I want to use this time to stop and reflect.  One thing I have learned is that I miss blogging - I love to write, it may not be very good but I enjoy it just the same. 

On my very first post I received the following comment:

It amazes me how many "devout" Christians who think this or that "offends" their God somehow feel that gluttony and sloth and willful destruction of the one miraculous body they have been gifted are somehow "okay" and "human" whilst constantly slamming others for their perceived "sins."

Wow....welcome back to blogging and I want to do this why?  I have to admit when I first read this comment (that was posted  anonymously by the way)  I was offended and put off.  Of course I had to reply to the comment because the snotty little child in me couldn't control herself, but it did stop and make me think.  

No one sin is any better or worse then any other, God sees them all the same.  The author of the comment was right in the fact that God has given me an amazing body and what have I done with it? It's not so much the fact that I am larger then I should be but I am completely out of shape.  Good grief, I pray that some day God will send me back to Uganda but there is no way I could handle all of the traveling in the shape I am in now.  

God calls us to be His hands and feet; I might be able to give a finger right now :)  

So, I want to thank "anonymous" for reminding me of the wonder body God has given me.  I need to take responsibility and love this gift of life and be prepared so when He calls I am ready.   It won't be easy and I will fall many times; I have listened to the lies of the enemy too long but with His help I will win.  Love always wins.  

Friday, July 3, 2015

Happy 4th of July

Everybody (presumably) knows that July 4th is America’s Independence Day. But John Adams, who had a lot to do with the American colonies’ break from Great Britain, had other ideas. He thought July 2nd was the date that would be celebrated “as the great anniversary festival.” Why? 
Click here for the rest of the story. 

And have a safe and Happy Fourth of July !!!

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Bringing God back into my life

I went to Uganda on a mission trip back in October of 2013.  I had been working out; I wasn't anywhere near my goal weight or in top physical shape but I didn't feel too bad.  This is a picture of me with the child we sponsor - Rebecca.  As usual I didn't like what I saw in the picture after all I had no make-up on, my hair was pulled back and as you can guess I was hot and sweaty.

In this picture God sees a woman with great potential and promise; a woman who can do anything with His help- a beautiful woman.  I want to see that woman - but I can't.

My weight slowly started to spiral out of control when I returned from that trip and I am not sure why.  At first I thought it was physiological, food is limited in this part of the world and plentiful here.  The people who live here are beautiful and they rely on God every moment of the day to supply their needs.  I deeply believe in Christ - He died on the cross for me, for my salvation.  But lately I haven't shown that appreciation at all; everything I need is just a stone's throw away. Our country is taking God out of the picture, I wonder if I am unintentionally taking God out of the picture.

As part of my journey to a healthier me - I am intentionally bringing God back into the picture.  I know he has never left my side, but I am going to put Him in the pilots seat and make Him first.

Bench Mark

With every journey we need to know where we started - a bench mark.  This post may seem liking I am whining (ok, maybe I am) but this is where I am today and it's not pretty.  Let's face it, if it was I wouldn't be here.

Before I go to my dark place I want you to know I don't hate my life.  God has blessed me beyond all I could imagine.  I have a wonderful, loving, faithful husband of 25 years.  I have two beautiful daughters who have grown into beautiful successful women with dedicated husbands.  I have even been blessed with the next chapter of my life, I am a grandmother of a wonderfully active grandson with another on the way.  My husband and I are employed at good jobs, we have a nice house dependable transportation.  I really have nothing to complain about.

But then there's that one dark place, that place you try to ignore.  It's the kind of place that grabs our attention when we least expect it.  It's the kind of place that if dwelled upon for too long will make it appear everything around you is crumbling down.  It's that kind of place.  I call that place "me".

Again, this is not a pity party but a bench mark to measure my journey.  A journey where I will celebrate the successes and journey to learn how to deal with and accept the failures.  I don't love myself.  They say you can't love someone else until you learn to love yourself, as of today, I can't agree with that statement.  Maybe it's because I haven't loved myself for so long I can't tell.  I want to learn to love myself.

  • I have very few clothes because I keep growing out of them.
  • I can't walk very far without my lower back or joints hurting.
  • I am tired all of the time. 
  • I think about food all of the time.
  • I eat when I am not hungry.
  • I have a very low self-esteem.
  • I am 90 pounds over weight.
  • I am no longer the confident person I once was.
  • I have become lazy around the house.

That is not a complete list but I am not ready to expose all ... not yet.  This is a journey for the body, mind and soul.  We all have a dark place but we shouldn't let it let it take over and define who we are.  Life is short and God meant for us to enjoy it.  

That's my goal, to find joy and to truly enjoy the life I have been blessed with.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Taking the first step

I am scared....I don't know where to begin, I am afraid to begin.  I am afraid of failing like I have so many times before.  Yet that picture horrifies me, who is that person in the picture holding my grandson.

Yesterday we took my grandson to the children's museum; we had a great time.  They have one of those large chairs that make you feel child size when you sit in it.  I crawled up on the chair, scooted back and sat my grandson between my legs so my daughter could take a picture of us.  What I saw later as I went through the pictures is something that horrified me.  I didn't recognize the person in the photo.  Who was that woman?  It looked like she was wearing one of those inflatable floating rings you use for swimming around her waist under her t-shirt.  I just wanted to cry, I knew I was gaining weigh, I could see it in the mirror and my family has ever so lovingly has told me I need to take off some weight.  But as much as I agreed with them I just couldn't seem to get in the right frame of mind to do something about it.  Why is that????

As I look at the picture I realize how disgusting it is (I am too embarrassed to post the picture just yet).  I can't ask the question "how did I get to this point?"  I know the science of how I got here - obsession with food and lack of exercise.  But what I don't know is the mental side of it.  I used to care about myself.  I used to exercise and and loved the challenge.  I used to want to keep everything in order, and now - I just seems like it is way too much effort.

So my journey get fit one step at a time....body, mind and soul and this is the first step.  I want to put my journey out there to reach out for support from others who have already walked this path and to maybe help encourage those who haven't yet began their journey.

As they say "there is power in numbers".